Hell = Rabbit Food

I got to thinking today (and yes Renee it hurt) and realized my whole life revolves around food. I have always said I would go to OA if it weren't a 12 step program that requires me to have God in my heart to stop compulsive eating. That is a heated discussion for another day. It becomes a problem when you are eating breakfast and thinking about the dinner menu. I have faced the music, I LOVE TO EAT! My food habit has actually gone beyond shoveling it into my mouth. I realized today that all of my beauty products smell like food. All of my lip glosses taste and smell like birthday cake or some type of martini (Could this be the start of a drinking problem?). I just bought three different types of shower gel: blueberry sauce, belgian waffle, and cream. Yes, when you put all three on a loofah in your morning shower its like you are waking up to a delightfully tasteful blueberry waffle with whipped cream. To top that off you get to smell like that too. Of course my eating habits do not include indulgences of steamed broccoli or salads. As a matter of fact I was just having a discussion with my husband last week about being sent to hell and if that was my fate what would my punishment be? My punishment would be to eat salad, and only salad, for eternity. See even in hell I am thinking about what I am going to eat.

If You Can't Laugh at Yourself Don't Laugh at All

Dug up these pictures and laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Figured I would try to make someone else's day. Definite child abuse. My parents should be ashamed (sorry mom).

Disclaimer: I look nothing like this anymore and would never EVER sport a mullet again. I don't care if it comes back like big belts and coke. Its not happening!

Lickable List

I have always had strange taste in men. About 2 years ago I was attending a trade show in Florida with my then sales manager and sales colleague. One night at dinner we decided to play "if you could sleep with anyone who would it be"? We decided to keep the game quick and you could only name 3 people. My list consisted of James Spader, Conan O'Brien, and Angelina Jolie. Agreed, it’s a very strange trio and includes a woman (a very good looking woman). Don't get me wrong I love to look at the George Clooney's and Brad Pitt's of the world but I seem to be more attracted to bad boys or comedians. Here are a few from my lickable list. Feel free to share your lickable list even if they may taste like cat litter its OK! I won't judge you.

1. Pete Doherty - my friend Jeremy just told me I was crazy for putting Pete on my lickable list. During that conversation he proceeded to also tell me that if I ever licked Pete it would taste like a litter box.

2. Brandon Flowers - only when he wears eyeliner

3. Conan O'Brien - I would lick him anytime

4. James Spader - I prefer 80's James Spader but '08 James will do too

5. Matt Damon - in Bourne movies only because he is a badass

6. Chris Martin - badass piano player and killer voice (accent) and just all around HOT

7. Amy Winehouse - no explanation necessary

Whores of Skype

I deal with international partners and customers at work on a daily basis so I use Skype quite a bit. Skype makes it easier because it allows for me to cut and paste into Babelfish for translation as well as allow my customers to do the same. I do have a few close friends on Skype that I chat with on occasion but I get random requests every once in a while from people all over the world who want to chat and be my friend. I find it flattering and also very educational because I talk with people all over the globe from Asia to South America. Being an American I find thinking that the way we/I do things is the only and right way but being able to learn and talk with new people every day has allowed me to know different. Yes, I agree it’s very sad that I just made this realization in my 30's. The requests for new friends was few and far between, like I mentioned random. However, in the last week or so I have been getting bombarded with requests to be friends with people (and BTW these are all men). Let me ask; is there such thing as 'Whores of Skype'? If so I think I have been added to that list. Do I look like a mail order bride? Or do I look easy? Seriously, it is the most ridiculous thing. Who uses instant messaging to pick up a girl? No, I don't want to visit Egypt and allow you to pay for everything. No, I won't tell you what I'm wearing. If I did tell you it surely would be disappointing (sweatpants and an oversized fleece with tennis shoes). See told you it would be disappointing. Whoever added me to this list is on my short list. Take me off or I will be forced to take off my earrings and kick your arse!

50 Dollar Cover

When I visited Target last night I paid my 50 dolllar cover charge. If you are not aware of the 50 dollar cover charge here it goes. Regardless of what you went to Target to buy you will spend 50+ dollars. For example, I went in there yesterday to get contact lense solution. I think it costs around 7 or 8 dollars. I ended up with contact lense solution, dinner, and Valentine's Day presents. Total on my receipt was 48 and some change. You say, but Rachel that is not 50 dollars. Then I proceed to tell you the Target by my house has a Starbucks. So my $3.18 tall = small mocha puts me over the 50 dollar cover charge.

Have you ever been anywhere and stood in line for an obscene amount of time? This happened to me last night while I was trying to pay my 50 dollar cover charge. No lie, both people in front of me paid with checks. I think by now checks could be considered antiquities. I haven't written a check in at least a year and I don't think I have ordered checks in about 3 years. First, jump your old asses into the 21st century and get a checkcard. Second, if you are going to write a check at least have it pre-filled before your order is rung up. Third, I can only assume if you are writing a check its because you don't have enough money in your bank account to cover what you are buying (I totally used to do this so that is why I can bring it up). Fourth, save the paper and energy it takes to make, write, and process checks.

To make matters worse I am in awe that this 'how stuff works' actually exists. However, if it helps in my crusade to move my grandma to a checkcard then I say AMEN!

http://money.howstuffworks.com/atm1.htm

Boise or Bust!

I was lucky enough to spend this past weekend in Charlotte with two great friends; Wendy and Heather. My friend Heather had a beautiful baby girl this summer and this was the first time I was able to meet Katie. Also, my friend Wendy is moving to Boise in a few weeks....(insert record scratching noise)Boise? Yes, I said Boise. When I think of Boise the only two things that pop in my head are potatoes and the cheesy side of the road, circuseseque stop 'largest ball of twine in the world'. Now, I really don't know and I don't think the largest ball of twine is in Boise but its just a stereotype that has been ingrained in my mind about states that are out west. For example, when most think of North Carolina its normally NASCAR, mullets (not the fish), and the KKK (please see a more recent episode of Family Guy to see the stereotypes most have of NC). I am not going to deny the existence of the preceding in North Carolina but its definitely not the norm. I went to college with both Heather and Wendy and to reminisce about days gone by we decided to visit our alma mater Appalachian State University on Saturday. I have to insert this tidbit of information, unfortunately ASU is not my alma mater. The only things I learned in college were how to play spades, drink lots of cheap beer, roll a joint, and eat cheap food. Nonetheless, I still occasionally attended my classes at ASU hence it being one of the many colleges in NC I attended. One of the first things Heather said when we got to Boone was how she thought we 'all looked the same' and 'haven't gotten a day older.' Believe me, I like to think I am still young looking and do get a little giddy inside when I get carded for a beer (which by the way we did get carded for our pitcher at Macado's - woohoo!). Here are two things I learned from being in Boone this weekend with my girlfriends.

1. Its the most fabulous thing to have girlfriends. Its even better to know that no matter what happens or how much time passes we can always pick up where we left off.

2. I am getting older every day, hour, minute, and second. The first thing I did when I got home from Charlotte last night was search the web for the best wrinkle serum available and order it. Those girls at ASU were looking fierce. I have alot of work to do. Carpe diem!

Here is the other thing I just learned from Wikipedia.

1. There are actually 2 places that claim to have the largest ball of twine: Darwin, MN and Cawker, KS.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biggest_ball_of_twine

Found Porn and I Am Not Returning It

I quite enjoy Maxim's found porn. I was enjoying the North Carolina vs. Duke basketball game this evening and found porn. w00t! w00t! (I have been dying to use Merriam Webster's word of the year for 2007). Anyway, plastered huge all over the screen at the beginning of the game was 'spread and execute'. Now I am sure in basketball jargon this means something. Probably something to do with points and the odds of each team winning the game. I don't really care. What matters to me is the belly laugh I got after reading it. After that, my mind was in the gutter. Although in the gutter I must admit it was not hard to find some more porn. Some of the most common words in tonite's game were penetration and reacharound. So either I am just a dirty girl (which is not unfathomable) or.......OK I am just a dirty girl.