Whores of Skype

I deal with international partners and customers at work on a daily basis so I use Skype quite a bit. Skype makes it easier because it allows for me to cut and paste into Babelfish for translation as well as allow my customers to do the same. I do have a few close friends on Skype that I chat with on occasion but I get random requests every once in a while from people all over the world who want to chat and be my friend. I find it flattering and also very educational because I talk with people all over the globe from Asia to South America. Being an American I find thinking that the way we/I do things is the only and right way but being able to learn and talk with new people every day has allowed me to know different. Yes, I agree it’s very sad that I just made this realization in my 30's. The requests for new friends was few and far between, like I mentioned random. However, in the last week or so I have been getting bombarded with requests to be friends with people (and BTW these are all men). Let me ask; is there such thing as 'Whores of Skype'? If so I think I have been added to that list. Do I look like a mail order bride? Or do I look easy? Seriously, it is the most ridiculous thing. Who uses instant messaging to pick up a girl? No, I don't want to visit Egypt and allow you to pay for everything. No, I won't tell you what I'm wearing. If I did tell you it surely would be disappointing (sweatpants and an oversized fleece with tennis shoes). See told you it would be disappointing. Whoever added me to this list is on my short list. Take me off or I will be forced to take off my earrings and kick your arse!

You Know Its Almost Springtime When

1. It is not dark at 5:30 when you leave work

2. It is 40 degrees in the morning and 70 in the afternoon

3. Reese's peanut butter eggs show up at the grocery stores

4. You have the urge to clean out your closet - i am referring to spring cleaning people, not cleaning out skeletons (which is good too but it sure seems like a winter activity)

5. You can use your sun roof and not freeze your arse off

6. There are buds on the trees

7. You have to urge to plant flowers

8. You want to sit on your back porch and take in some sun

9. There are bathing suits in Target

10. And last but not least....you walk out to your car on a fine Monday morning and find about 250 pieces of bird poop all over it and this is not an exagerration. And yes, I 'called the shit poop'. Then you proceed to have to drive 30 miles to work with all of that shit on your car and try and locate the closest drive thru car wash. When you finally find a car wash the credit card machine is broken and you have no cash. Then you head to work and spill half your coffee in your passenger seat because the cup is defective. I think I have a case of the Mondays!

Reboot or Die

For any of you that work in technology or heck have owned a computer or even worked in an office since the 90's are aware of 'techies'. My brother happens to be one and since I am in technology I am surrounded by them. I am reminded of the skit from SNL, "Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy"."MMMMMMMMMOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE!" I laugh on the inside every time I have a computer issue and I need assistance from our support guys because this is all I can think of. And how many times have you heard, "just reboot/restart your computer"? I am SO over that (although 9 times out of 10 it works). Your computer could be turning into Deceptacon from Transformers and if you were to call the help desk they would just tell you to go to the start menu and choose shut down/restart.

Damn Bourne Movies

This blog was created to allow myself to outpour my thoughts and feelings. More of a journal if you will. I think the content and my intent has changed over the past few months. I am glad to see there are people enjoying it for more than a journal (because I do happen to find myself to be pretty funny) so I hope this abnormal blog entry is not a buzz kill but its something I felt I needed to talk about.

I was in a horrible car accident in November of 2006. I flipped my SUV 3 times on I-40 going around 60 mph. It was a very scary thing. It was very life changing. By life changing it made me consider the existence of god and also to re-evaluate my relationships with friends and family. You never think at the age of 29 you would be considering writing a will or worrying about what type of life insurance you have. There are so many what ifs to consider. It makes you think about taking the lives of others without intent. I hit two other people and only caused damage to their cars which is a miracle in itself. There are things you wish you would have said and now have time to say. I was lucky. I walked away from that accident with a few cuts and bruises (as well as a very large monthly insurance payment and some very nice doctor bills). The other thing I came away with was a bad case of PTSD (posttraumatic stress syndrome). For over 6 months following my accident I would shake as I had to enter a car. I had nightmares about car accidents. I would not get on main interstates or highways to go anywhere. This made my 30 minute commute to work an hour and 30 minutes. The stress from this accident ruled my body. It made decisions for me and made my home a prison. I have worked very hard over the past year to ultimately deal with my PTSD and think I have done pretty well.

Here is why I am telling this whole story. I wanted to talk about my obsession with the Bourne movies. I love conspiracy theories, action movies, and Matt Damon very buff with tight T-shirts kicking some ass. The Bourne Ultimatum recently came out on DVD and I have been really excited to rent it. It was just as good as I expected it to be but near the end there is a extremely long and drawn out car chase (which by the way one of the best parts of the movie). Before I knew it I was in a full blown, put that bitch in a straightjacket, panic attack. I couldn't breathe, it was hot, my heart was racing, and it was really just awful. Just a classic case scenario. I could literally feel and hear my accident. I was reliving it all over again. My point is, it’s been over a year and this just hit me out of the blue. It makes me really mad in a sense because I thought I had it beat and felt all of my hard work had been put to shame. But it brought me back to down to earth a bit. Things happen for a reason and you always have to learn something from an experience. I think I just needed my ass kicked a little and The Bourne Ultimatum surely did that. Thanks Matt, I like a good spanking every once in a while (damn this was only in my dreams). Also, I think I just realized I may be dealing with this for the rest of my life and need to accept it.

What I Like About Me

Here are 10 things I like and why. Just thought you needed to know. And if you didn't want to, that is just too bad.

1. I enjoy listening to the radio and hearing songs I have not heard in years. This may be a sign of getting old! For example, I just heard The Eels 'Novocaine for the Soul' and it gave me goosebumps.

2. I like sleeping in. My idea of sleeping in is probably different than yours. I don't want to be waken up by an alarm. So if I get to sleep 'til 7am and the alarm did not wake me up that is considered 'sleeping in'. I don't quite understand why I can wake up at 7am on Saturday morning without the alarm but tend to hit snooze on my alarm 'til 7:30 on the weekdays. Maybe its a sign I hate to work.

3. I like 'punking' out. This is when you make plans to do something and then cancel. Its also even better when you are planning on punking out and the person you are punking on was planning to do the same. I will not punk on important things and require my friends to tell me if the event is punkable or not. This keeps everyone happy.

4. I like that the writers are on strike because I get to watch alot of reality TV (I know this is a shitty statement because lots of people have lost their jobs so don't hate- at least I know its a shitty statement). Hello!!!! Big Brother 9 is slated to start in February. I am not having to wait til summertime.

5. I like wintertime for one reason only. I get to wear Ugg boots all the time. Ok, thought of one more reason. I like snow too.

6. I like reading Playboy. I do enjoy the pictures too. Not going to lie. Those women are just incredibly beautiful. Bitches!

7. I like going to the salon and getting my hair cut and dyed. Don't know why. Guess its just an indulgence.

8. I like to read celebrity gossip. Its a sickness. I am constantly checking www.perezhilton.com and reading US Weekly.

9. I like chapstick, particularly Burts Bees.

10. I like to make lists. No explanation necessary.

Here's a Tip: Don't Fry Bacon Naked

I think the hardest jobs in the world are in retail. Before working in technology I worked retail; anywhere from the drink girl at Golden Corral, shoe girl at Wal-Mart, and video girl at Blockbuster. By the way, I think it should be a requirement by law for any consumer to have to work retail at some point in their lifetime. It will make you appreciate what you do and how not to treat the person behind the counter. Don't get me wrong, I have had some really bad customer service experiences but I can separate those from me just being in a shitty mood and deciding to take it out on the person taking my order or ringing up my groceries. One retail job I have never done and will never do is wait tables. You could not pay me enough! Making half of minimum wage (or even less in a lot cases), carrying multiple drinks on a big tray, working all day shifts, smelling like french fries, dealing with hungry assholes, and having to clean up after screaming, squirming 2 year olds I say NO THANKS! Anyone who can wait tables is amazing and deserve compensation for the job they do. If you don't tip you deserve that big snot rocket in your burger or Visine in your drink. Tip bitches!

Throughout high school and college my husband worked at a car wash and they were able to accept tips. Instead of handing him money one day a patron told him "You want a tip, I'll give you a tip. Don't fry bacon naked." Priceless!

Dream of Doing Nothing

I just watched a show on E! about the top 20 most intriguing billionaire heiresses’ (which by the way pisses me off cause I guess if you are not intriguing or hot you would not make the list – then again, who would want to watch a top 20 show on E! about the top 20 ugly ass millionaire heiresses’). Of course gracing the list were the Hilton sisters but I found the number 1 heiress to be much more interesting. Her name is Vanisha Mittal Bhatia and is the daughter of steel mogul Lakshmi Mittal. Her wedding in 2004 is reported to be the most expensive wedding ever at 55 million! WTF???? I have a hard enough time making ends meet every month and Vanisha is celebrating marriage by spending more money than my entire family could think of earning in a lifetime.

My dream of doing nothing doesn't really involve nothing. There is no way that I could sit home for days upon end with nothing to do. I would sure be a mess in about a week. I was watching Elf last night and I was jealous of the character that Will Ferrell plays. He gets to leave his bum job making Etch a Sketches at the North Pole for an adventure in New York City looking for his estranged dad. Besides that he knows Santa Clause! I am not saying I want to wear a leotard and wander thru the cold streets of NYC but I sure would like to visit this time of year. Just thinking about the Christmas tree in Rockefeller center when it is snowing gives me butterflies in my stomach. I wanna leave my job selling software and just look around. I want to look around Europe, especially the UK. I want to be involved in my community. I want to be able to give to those in need. I want to pay my bills without worrying about it. I want to take a nap when I want. I want to go to cosmetology school. I think the only way this could all happen is by winning the lottery. Considering I hardly ever play, the odds are this will all remain a dream....