Here's a Tip: Don't Fry Bacon Naked

I think the hardest jobs in the world are in retail. Before working in technology I worked retail; anywhere from the drink girl at Golden Corral, shoe girl at Wal-Mart, and video girl at Blockbuster. By the way, I think it should be a requirement by law for any consumer to have to work retail at some point in their lifetime. It will make you appreciate what you do and how not to treat the person behind the counter. Don't get me wrong, I have had some really bad customer service experiences but I can separate those from me just being in a shitty mood and deciding to take it out on the person taking my order or ringing up my groceries. One retail job I have never done and will never do is wait tables. You could not pay me enough! Making half of minimum wage (or even less in a lot cases), carrying multiple drinks on a big tray, working all day shifts, smelling like french fries, dealing with hungry assholes, and having to clean up after screaming, squirming 2 year olds I say NO THANKS! Anyone who can wait tables is amazing and deserve compensation for the job they do. If you don't tip you deserve that big snot rocket in your burger or Visine in your drink. Tip bitches!

Throughout high school and college my husband worked at a car wash and they were able to accept tips. Instead of handing him money one day a patron told him "You want a tip, I'll give you a tip. Don't fry bacon naked." Priceless!

It's 5'oclock Somewhere

It seems the gas station around the corner from my house is going to inspire a few blogs. Yesterday during my morning ritual of coffee getting this guy was buying 4 "mortar shell" Coors Light in a can. Mortar shells being those XL beer cans. Please note, I am getting my morning coffee so this is 7:30 AM! I have on occasion been drinking in the early hours of the morning but that is because I have not stopped from the night before. And.... maybe on a couple of other occasions I had brunch with a few mimosas but I think brunch is normally around 10 AMish? At least by then I had time to get up and think about what I was doing. Maybe this observation of mine is all about jealousy? This guy obviously was going to have a good time. I on the other hand was headed to work. This also brings up a good point about making judgement on a situation you are not keen about. Maybe the guy works all night long and 7:30 AM is his 5 PM? I say hell yeah drink up, it's 5 o'clock somewhere. Cheers!

Gambling, Sex, and Shopping...Oh My!

How could I be lucky enough to live in one of two countries that allow drug companies to advertise their wares on TV? I have a very addictive personality. I recently quit smoking and at the end of December it will be 3 months (which is freaking amazing). I have not quit chapstick or food. You do not want to find Rachel in a situation when she is hungry, has dry lips and no chapstick. Brutal! I stay away from hard drugs, alcohol consumption on a daily basis, and gambling. I don't think anyone reading this needs further explanation.

As mentioned, the US allows drug companies to advertise their drug of the month. At the end of each commercial there is the obligatory blurb spoken like a true used car salesman about the terrible things the drug can do to you. Usually its the common things: nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, changes in sex drive, changes in blood pressure, etc... In a most recent obligatory speech I heard there is a new drug (that I will not mention) that will fix your RLS and also will give you a compulsive gambling habit. Yes, if you take this drug you may become a compulsive gambler(also after doing a little research I found it to causes excessive shopping and sexual urges too). I don't need any help becoming a compulsive gambler nor help in the shopping or sex department. Can anyone say triple threat. However, there is a laundry list of things I do need help with. Just think, how wonderful would it be to have 800mg of ibuprofen with a huge dose of wanting to clean my house compulsion?

Wiki This

Where can you learn how to make a duct tape skirt, a martini, or become a hobo (with a web based income)? It's my favorite site 'wiki How To'. I have a feed to my iGoogle page to show me the wiki How To of the day. I have a few friends in particular who think that I have a wiki problem and need to attend rehab for it. You will be glad to know that wiki How To has posted an article on beating a wiki addiction and I am already working on it. But really, you can find anything you need on this site. Recently a good friend bought a papasan chair at a yard sale. She mentioned to me that it was really inexpensive and in great shape but did not include the cushion. She was going to purchase one or attempt to make one. I was able to find directions on making a papasan chair cushion and emailed her the link. I was just at her house recently and I must say the cushion turned out superb! Besides being handy it's just fun! I learn something new everyday. Check it out: http://www.wikihow.com/Main-Page

And who knows I may post some pictures from New Year's eve donning a duct tape skirt. ROTFLMAO

I'm Textually Active

I love SMS. I have been accused many times (for good reason) of not answering my phone but returning text messages lightning fast. I don't know what it is. My first love of text started when working for Cingular Wireless. I remember when I finally learned how to use predictive text. Its kind of like when you are in Algebra class in middle school and the light bulb goes off on how to factor a polynomial. Now I have moved on to the qwerty keyboard which makes it even easier to feed my addiction. I really just think its my need for instant gratification. When you call and talk with someone there is the ritual of saying hello, asking how you are, what you have been up to, etc etc etc.... With SMS I can get an answer immediately and not only immediately but normally in yes or no form. No one is expecting any foreplay with a text message (well maybe in some cases). Don't get me wrong, I do like to talk on the phone. It's a favorite pastime and I am a software sales person (duh) but I do enjoy the uncomplicated pleasantness of receiving a text message. It's a surprise of sorts.

Need I Say More

Someone told me I needed some pictures on my blog. Here is one of many reasons to love the UK!

Time's Up

Do you ever feel things happen for a reason? This time of the year makes me think about the people that I love and those I miss. Because my life is so busy I don't normally take the time to appreciate my feelings for someone. I think everyone does this one time or another. There is always an excuse. My time is up. No more excuses.

I grew up in a military town on the east coast of NC. It was hard to keep friends there because one of the 'perks' of being in the military is moving from base to base and once you got to know someone they were gone. I am laughing to myself right now thinking of the things my best friend Tracy Baker and I used to do in middle school. I was lucky enough to find a friend in Jacksonville that hung around for a while. We would save every penny we could from doing summer chores and go school shopping together. We would buy the same exact outfits down the the accessories and would plan which days we would wear that outfit. I drank my first beer in Tracy's bedroom and believe me we had more than one. I got caught drinking for the first time with Tracy. Not in the actual act, but we were both so sick the next day my parents knew what we had done. We would play dress up and do before and after pictures. As we got older we shared stories about boyfriends and cried on each other's shoulders. In college we kept in touch the best we could but we had the type of relationship that time didn't matter. We were able to pick right back up from the last time we talked. She moved to Washington State to be with her then husband and landed a great job. I would hear from her occasionally and then for some reason we lost touch. One day I checked my Yahoo mail (which I hardly do) and I had an email from her. She had found me on classmates.com. We chatted for a few days and got back up to speed. That is the part that happened for a reason. About a week later I came to work and found an email in my inbox from Tracy's sister asking if I was the Rachel that Tracy went to school with. She asked if it was me to email her back immediately because she had important news. Tracy was gone, she died suddenly of heart failure. If it wasn't for Tracy finding me the couple weeks before I probably would of never known she was gone. I would of never talked to her again. Can you imagine? I guess my point is... If you love someone, tell them you do! If you are mad at someone, reconcile those feelings! If you haven't talked to your best friend in a long time, call!

Just My Size

I have always struggled with my weight. Of course, I have dealt with mean schoolchildren and self esteem issues. As you probably know, specialty stores exist for the curvy woman and I have frequently visited those stores because I haven't had the luxury of buying clothing from places most take for granted. This is not about me though or how I loathe the existence of specialty stores. This is about my dog Dylan. I went to Target this weekend and did some Christmas shopping. While there I went to the pet aisle for some treats and a few dog collars caught my eye. Yes, anything sparkly will catch my eye and may cause a brief moment of distraction. Let me back up. My dog Dylan is a girl, a plus size curvy girl. She takes after her mommy. Really she is just made that way (big boned is the excuse I often use). Because of her boyish name and common look she is always confused as a boy. Since she has been a puppy I have bought her 'girly' dog collars. First, I just like girly stuff and then I have to do it so maybe people meeting my dog for the first time will know she is a girl without me having to explain the Dylan thing (and why this matters I don't know). I picked up two collars: one was 'hot' pink shiny leather with a pink leather bow and the other was light pink patent leather with rhinestones. Both were cute and I had a hard time choosing which to buy her. I decided on the light pink and tried to find her size, L or XL, and to my dismay could not find that size. So, I looked for her size in the hot pink. No luck! I would say for each style there were at least 10 on each hook for sale. A light went off, it dawned on me! I will have to buy Dylan's collar at a specialty store if she wants to be in style or girly. Such a shame. I have not shared this with her yet in hopes not to crush her self esteem.

Ten Cents and a Slushee

Due to the fabulousness that is called my bed I was running late for work this morning. Once I got out to start my car I noticed I was low on gas and there was no way I could make it work so I would have to stop on the way in. After gassing up I got the basic gas station breakfast: muffin, banana, and XL coffee. Keep in mind, I am making coffee like a mad woman and swiping up the muffin instead of browsing for anything new because I was running late for work. I get in line to pay and then....it happened. The guy in front of me was arguing with the cashier about his slushee being $1.09 instead of $1.19. Yes I said, it he was arguing for 5 minutes over 10 cents. Are you kidding me? First of all the cashier does not give a crap that you are potentially paying the wrong price for a slushee at a gas station. Second of all, I have to be at work and so does everyone in line behind you jackass. Let's figure this out. Let's say one person in line makes minimum wage, $6.15 an hour(about .10 a minute). They are owed .50. I know for a fact that the lady behind the counter makes more than minimum wage because they are hiring and have their cashier pay posted on the front door at 10.15 an hour. He owes her .85. Based upon my calculations he would owe me 1.57. And let's just say the other 3 people in line average out at 3.00 based on my previous calculations. This jerk owes 6 people in Raleigh, NC $5.92 for the time he wasted this morning over .10 and a slushee.

Manster

I love spammers. If you think about it they are fulfilling my dream of doing nothing. I first became intrigued with spam because I worked for a software company that made a server based anti-spam software. As a sales person you have to know why and how your software works and I started tearing spam apart to figure out how our software deemed it as spam. Now I sell different software so I am not as obsessed but as I mentioned in a previous post I still enjoy the occasional giggle and partake in the office spam of the day. Today we will discuss Manster. This particular spam did not have a title. It was a feeble attempt at pretending to be a RE: to one of my emails without a subject. Below is the body of the spam. Definitely an eye catcher.


"Do you believe in miracles? We dare say you're likely to give a negative answer.We hadn't believed, either...until the moment Manster was invented.The action of this remedy on a male cock cannot be called otherwise than a Miracle.Only fancy, that your meat stick suddenly becomes longer and thicker and makes women tremble with desire!It's fabulous."


I must admit Manster is a pretty good product name. If I were a 'small' man I may just jump on the chance to buy something with such a 'large' name.

"I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January."

One thing I hate is as an adult I seem to over-analyze everything. While watching TV Guide last night I saw the entry showing Charlie Brown Christmas coming on at 8 and excitedly turned to my husband to let him know. It was a "special" entry on the TV Guide channel so it showed at the beginning of the channel listings and had snow all around the box that showcased "Charlie Brown Christmas" and the description. Myself, and I am sure any American that has watched holiday TV since 1965 does not need a description to tell you about Charlie Brown Christmas but here is how TV Guide described it, 'Charlie bemoans the commercialization of Christmas' and in a nutshell that is what the show is about. As a kid you never stop to think what a cartoon is about. If you were to ask me 25 years ago what does Charlie Brown Christmas mean I would probably be picking my nose and mutter one word, Snoopy. I loved Snoopy! Anyway, that's my point, as of yesterday at 8pm Charlie Brown Christmas has been ruined. After seeing the description I started laughing because it was ironic that Charlie was upset about the commercialization of Christmas. The simple fact that Charlie Brown Christmas appeared on the TV Guide as a featured show of the 8 o'clock slot, jazzed up with it's digital snow is hilarious. I wonder what Charlie Brown would think of that? WWCBD?

As I mentioned above, it was ruined from the beginning. I paid more attention to every word, action, and movement of every character. About half way thru the kids are standing outside and it starts snowing. Everyone was catching snowflakes on their tongue and Lucy was not participating and when asked why says 'I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January.' Does a little kid actually think that? No way! After thinking about it I felt the statement could obviously be taken many ways. Here are a few of my thoughts: Is Lucy a flat out bitch and hating on December for no reason? Or is she smart and know something we don't? Does the first snow in December have more acidity and it needs to cycle out making January snows much more tongue friendly? Does January snow have Vodka in it? Discuss.

Dream of Doing Nothing

I just watched a show on E! about the top 20 most intriguing billionaire heiresses’ (which by the way pisses me off cause I guess if you are not intriguing or hot you would not make the list – then again, who would want to watch a top 20 show on E! about the top 20 ugly ass millionaire heiresses’). Of course gracing the list were the Hilton sisters but I found the number 1 heiress to be much more interesting. Her name is Vanisha Mittal Bhatia and is the daughter of steel mogul Lakshmi Mittal. Her wedding in 2004 is reported to be the most expensive wedding ever at 55 million! WTF???? I have a hard enough time making ends meet every month and Vanisha is celebrating marriage by spending more money than my entire family could think of earning in a lifetime.

My dream of doing nothing doesn't really involve nothing. There is no way that I could sit home for days upon end with nothing to do. I would sure be a mess in about a week. I was watching Elf last night and I was jealous of the character that Will Ferrell plays. He gets to leave his bum job making Etch a Sketches at the North Pole for an adventure in New York City looking for his estranged dad. Besides that he knows Santa Clause! I am not saying I want to wear a leotard and wander thru the cold streets of NYC but I sure would like to visit this time of year. Just thinking about the Christmas tree in Rockefeller center when it is snowing gives me butterflies in my stomach. I wanna leave my job selling software and just look around. I want to look around Europe, especially the UK. I want to be involved in my community. I want to be able to give to those in need. I want to pay my bills without worrying about it. I want to take a nap when I want. I want to go to cosmetology school. I think the only way this could all happen is by winning the lottery. Considering I hardly ever play, the odds are this will all remain a dream....

"Doctors and Celebrities discern endorse Anatrim!"

One of my jobs at work is to clean out public email folders and scour them for outside inquiries or orders. Of course, the boxes are filled with tons of spam. To keep my job entertaining I always find a 'Spam of the Day' and share it with a few co-workers. Today's award goes to the spam titled "Doctors and Celebrities discern endorse Anatrim!" Really the content of the spam sucked and there were no half naked chicks showing off how Anatrim can help so I skimmed it. However, the signature of the spam is what made it spam of the day. It says:

Steve Burbon, Bellevue WA
demonic, colander

So, Steve of Bellevue, you are a demonic colander? Hmmm..

It's Christmas Let's Have Sex

It's sometimes hard to get into the Christmas spirit for lots of reasons: I'm broke, it's hot, I am out of vacation time, I haven't started Christmas shopping, I'm fat and want to eat Christmas cookies, etc, etc, etc...

This weekend I am going to work on my spirit and put up my Christmas tree and decorations in hopes the smell of pine will kick start the holidays. I have already tried gingerbread flavored plug-ins and that has not worked. We may even go so far as decorating the outside of our house. And that’s another thing; our neighbors are bound and determined to have the best Christmas decorations. All of the houses in our neighborhood are colonial style so they put nice wreaths on the windows with big bows and spotlights in their yard to draw attention. When I say neighbors I don’t mean just next door, I mean everyone on our street. All we have are those net-like bush lights that blink. They are actually nice lights but we don't have enough to cover our 3 bushes. Don't you hate when you start a project and never have what you need? It's kind of like Target has a $50.00 cover charge well any house project requires 3 trips to Lowe's or Home Depot. We just haven't made that 3rd trip to Lowe's to pick up more lights or the $500.00 in wreaths and spotlights.

Anyway, I finally got my XM Radio started back up again (that’s a story for another day) and it's kind of cool because you can stream all of their channels online so I listen to it at work. The other cool thing is it's completely live and shows what songs and artists are playing on each channel. It really makes me happy because our lame local radio station plays the same 5 songs every hour on the hour. During the holidays XM has around 5 channels that are strictly Holiday music. One channel is called ‘special x-mas’ and it plays off the wall Christmas music. For example, right now they are playing a remixed Christmas song. I guess it could be dubbed alternative Christmas music. Also, off subject, if you are looking for alternative, eccentric, ADULT Christmas music check out “A John Waters Christmas” CD. It’s offensive yet Christmasish. Yesterday on ‘special x-mas’ I saw a song by Dr. Duke Tumatoe called “It’s Christmas (Let’s have sex)”. How HOT is that! Nothing spells Christmas spirit like sex!

What's Grosser than Gross?

Did you ever play that game as a kid? My answer was always sliding down a razor blade into a pool of rubbing alcohol. Maybe its not the most original but it will make you cringe thinking about it. As an adult, grosser than gross has just gotten plain down and dirty. Recently I just learned what 'superman that ho' means but believe me I do enjoy sharing the definitions of 'rusty hook' or 'upper deck' every once in a while when the conversation seems appropriate. You then must ask yourself when does Rachel think this conversation is appropriate? Well... on the way to lunch the other day I decided to tell the president of my workplace what superman that ho meant. The song 'Crank Dat' happened to be playing on the radio and I just felt the urge. I felt it was an appropriate time before going to enjoy sushi at a very fancy restaurant. I don't know why I am so interested in gross stuff. I could barely watch Fear Factor when it came on. I would have to turn my head or close my eyes when they would eat crazy stuff like reindeer penis (Merry Christmas). Actually I would even have to turn the volume down because when I hear someone throwing up it makes me gag too. As an adult it is very rare that you learn something new so when I do I want it to be amazing, profound or shocking. I think I have just been officially shocked. My husband came home this week and told me about 2 girls 1 cup. After he hyped it up I decided I had to watch it. He said it was the grossest thing on the web right now. I don't even know what to say. I am speechless...in awe. I couldn't even get past the first couple of seconds. Then it becomes addictive, you want to see more. So once getting past the first few seconds it gets even worse. It really is so bad I am getting sick just thinking about it and I am not going to write about it because I am sure my blog will be flagged for obscene content. That is the key word, that video is obscene. If you want to be offended, grossed out, violated, or just plain shocked Google 2 girls 1 cup and check it out for yourself. Yummy....I think I am going to get some chocolate soft serve ice cream. Oh, that is just grosser than gross!!!!!

It's my first time...I hope it doesn't hurt.

I have decided to blog for a couple of reasons. First and foremost I just have these crazy ideas and random thoughts I need to share. Secondly, I need a place to vent or proverbially throw up. So here it goes.

I currently live in what you can call a city (Raleigh, NC) but spent my childhood in a small unincorporated town called Rainelle in Wild and Wonderful (you notice I did not use Open for Business) West Virginia. I haven't been home to visit in a while and had a great opportunity to celebrate Thanksgiving with extended family as well as celebrate my Grandmother's 77th birthday. Which driving anywhere on a holiday is in of itself a CRAZY thing but I decided to go for it. My family visit was very nice and I was able to see family that has been MIA for years. Anyway, you know when something is out of place? Kind of like when you have recently visited your local Food Lion store and the bread and peanut butter aisle has been moved clear across the store to the beer aisle. I don't disagree that a late night of beer drinking does not bring on a midnite craving of PB&J but who decided this? I have been conditioned to get the peanut butter in the condiment aisle and the bread in chip aisle. As I digress.....let me tell you about Rainelle. In its hay day it was a booming coal and lumber town. When you see pictures of what it used to be it really makes you sad. Now Rainelle is a quiet mountain town with really no outside draw. If no one told you about it you wouldn't know it existed. All of the main street buildings are becoming dilapidated or torn down. The streets are narrow and cracked, there are a few small grocery stores, one stop light, and even a McDonald's. Yes, I said McDonald's. It was a huge deal when the fast food giant came to town. Rainelle is one of 'those' towns where the big news is the new fast food restaurant. Here is where the out of place comes in. About a month ago my mom sent me a Google alert for Rainelle, WV and the title of the article is 'African Lion Alleged to be in WVA'. That is just insane. What is an African lion doing in WV and a loose African lion for that matter? After reading more about it I found a fitting forum thread started called 'Which is worse, an escaped lion or inbred hillbillies with guns hunting the lion?'. My thoughts exactly! Come to find out "officials" from the Tiger Mountain Refuge in Rainelle was on the scene of the sighting to help humanely capture or find the lion. They are a non profit that locates and rescues exotic animals and provides them with safe, permanent homes. What are they doing in Rainelle? I am just so confused. So while visiting this weekend I had completely forgotten about this loose African lion incident and while traveling down Main Street I see a very large, HOT florescent green hippo sitting top of building. It kind of reminded me of the big dinosaurs in Pee Wee's Big Adventure yet situated in a sleepy mountain town instead of the desert. This building houses the refuge's thrift shop. From what I understand proceeds from sales go to helping their big cats. So, while it seems I may be poking fun at the organization I'm not. Its really more of the situation. I happen to be an animal lover and after scouring their site it seems they are in need of a few things. Please visit their site and give if you are able. www.tigermountainrefuge.org

Two other things of interest while in WV this weekend. I got a tattoo and a speeding ticket. Second thing out of place like PB&J is the tattoo parlor on Main Street in Rainelle. No need to point out the obvious... its very strange a tattoo parlor has made its way to Rainelle. From what I understand he is doing great business because he just moved buildings and its bigger and better than the previous (may I mention its across from a funeral parlor- ha!). After little convincing, myself, my aunt and my cousin visited the shop on Saturday night. We all three got tattoos. This is my 3rd and first for my aunt and cousin. All of my tattoos have meanings or reasons for them being there. I can tell you that my new tattoo doesn't necessarily have a meaning but it has significance. This will be one of the most memorable Thanksgiving holidays of a lifetime. I still can't believe my cousin got a tattoo. For those that know her I am sure that it will surprise you too! If I were a betting woman I would of lost alot of money that night. Don't you find as you get older family no longer seems just family but more like friends? Thanks Lisa and Mandy! And although it's strange to find a tattoo parlor in Rainelle, WV Dave at Red Dragon does awesome work. I recommend you stop by and see him.

Last thing....being 30 I kind of prided myself in not having a speeding ticket because I surely deserve one. Thanks to a very kind State Trooper in Winston Salem, NC my speeding ticket cherry has been popped. 72 in a 55 to be exact. I am considering hiring a lawyer but haven't received the numerous unsolicited snail mails from Winston Salem lawyers yet who I am sure want to help me get out of my speeding ticket. I am just waiting.....