Hell = Rabbit Food

I got to thinking today (and yes Renee it hurt) and realized my whole life revolves around food. I have always said I would go to OA if it weren't a 12 step program that requires me to have God in my heart to stop compulsive eating. That is a heated discussion for another day. It becomes a problem when you are eating breakfast and thinking about the dinner menu. I have faced the music, I LOVE TO EAT! My food habit has actually gone beyond shoveling it into my mouth. I realized today that all of my beauty products smell like food. All of my lip glosses taste and smell like birthday cake or some type of martini (Could this be the start of a drinking problem?). I just bought three different types of shower gel: blueberry sauce, belgian waffle, and cream. Yes, when you put all three on a loofah in your morning shower its like you are waking up to a delightfully tasteful blueberry waffle with whipped cream. To top that off you get to smell like that too. Of course my eating habits do not include indulgences of steamed broccoli or salads. As a matter of fact I was just having a discussion with my husband last week about being sent to hell and if that was my fate what would my punishment be? My punishment would be to eat salad, and only salad, for eternity. See even in hell I am thinking about what I am going to eat.

If You Can't Laugh at Yourself Don't Laugh at All

Dug up these pictures and laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Figured I would try to make someone else's day. Definite child abuse. My parents should be ashamed (sorry mom).

Disclaimer: I look nothing like this anymore and would never EVER sport a mullet again. I don't care if it comes back like big belts and coke. Its not happening!

Lickable List

I have always had strange taste in men. About 2 years ago I was attending a trade show in Florida with my then sales manager and sales colleague. One night at dinner we decided to play "if you could sleep with anyone who would it be"? We decided to keep the game quick and you could only name 3 people. My list consisted of James Spader, Conan O'Brien, and Angelina Jolie. Agreed, it’s a very strange trio and includes a woman (a very good looking woman). Don't get me wrong I love to look at the George Clooney's and Brad Pitt's of the world but I seem to be more attracted to bad boys or comedians. Here are a few from my lickable list. Feel free to share your lickable list even if they may taste like cat litter its OK! I won't judge you.

1. Pete Doherty - my friend Jeremy just told me I was crazy for putting Pete on my lickable list. During that conversation he proceeded to also tell me that if I ever licked Pete it would taste like a litter box.

2. Brandon Flowers - only when he wears eyeliner

3. Conan O'Brien - I would lick him anytime

4. James Spader - I prefer 80's James Spader but '08 James will do too

5. Matt Damon - in Bourne movies only because he is a badass

6. Chris Martin - badass piano player and killer voice (accent) and just all around HOT

7. Amy Winehouse - no explanation necessary

Whores of Skype

I deal with international partners and customers at work on a daily basis so I use Skype quite a bit. Skype makes it easier because it allows for me to cut and paste into Babelfish for translation as well as allow my customers to do the same. I do have a few close friends on Skype that I chat with on occasion but I get random requests every once in a while from people all over the world who want to chat and be my friend. I find it flattering and also very educational because I talk with people all over the globe from Asia to South America. Being an American I find thinking that the way we/I do things is the only and right way but being able to learn and talk with new people every day has allowed me to know different. Yes, I agree it’s very sad that I just made this realization in my 30's. The requests for new friends was few and far between, like I mentioned random. However, in the last week or so I have been getting bombarded with requests to be friends with people (and BTW these are all men). Let me ask; is there such thing as 'Whores of Skype'? If so I think I have been added to that list. Do I look like a mail order bride? Or do I look easy? Seriously, it is the most ridiculous thing. Who uses instant messaging to pick up a girl? No, I don't want to visit Egypt and allow you to pay for everything. No, I won't tell you what I'm wearing. If I did tell you it surely would be disappointing (sweatpants and an oversized fleece with tennis shoes). See told you it would be disappointing. Whoever added me to this list is on my short list. Take me off or I will be forced to take off my earrings and kick your arse!

50 Dollar Cover

When I visited Target last night I paid my 50 dolllar cover charge. If you are not aware of the 50 dollar cover charge here it goes. Regardless of what you went to Target to buy you will spend 50+ dollars. For example, I went in there yesterday to get contact lense solution. I think it costs around 7 or 8 dollars. I ended up with contact lense solution, dinner, and Valentine's Day presents. Total on my receipt was 48 and some change. You say, but Rachel that is not 50 dollars. Then I proceed to tell you the Target by my house has a Starbucks. So my $3.18 tall = small mocha puts me over the 50 dollar cover charge.

Have you ever been anywhere and stood in line for an obscene amount of time? This happened to me last night while I was trying to pay my 50 dollar cover charge. No lie, both people in front of me paid with checks. I think by now checks could be considered antiquities. I haven't written a check in at least a year and I don't think I have ordered checks in about 3 years. First, jump your old asses into the 21st century and get a checkcard. Second, if you are going to write a check at least have it pre-filled before your order is rung up. Third, I can only assume if you are writing a check its because you don't have enough money in your bank account to cover what you are buying (I totally used to do this so that is why I can bring it up). Fourth, save the paper and energy it takes to make, write, and process checks.

To make matters worse I am in awe that this 'how stuff works' actually exists. However, if it helps in my crusade to move my grandma to a checkcard then I say AMEN!

http://money.howstuffworks.com/atm1.htm

Boise or Bust!

I was lucky enough to spend this past weekend in Charlotte with two great friends; Wendy and Heather. My friend Heather had a beautiful baby girl this summer and this was the first time I was able to meet Katie. Also, my friend Wendy is moving to Boise in a few weeks....(insert record scratching noise)Boise? Yes, I said Boise. When I think of Boise the only two things that pop in my head are potatoes and the cheesy side of the road, circuseseque stop 'largest ball of twine in the world'. Now, I really don't know and I don't think the largest ball of twine is in Boise but its just a stereotype that has been ingrained in my mind about states that are out west. For example, when most think of North Carolina its normally NASCAR, mullets (not the fish), and the KKK (please see a more recent episode of Family Guy to see the stereotypes most have of NC). I am not going to deny the existence of the preceding in North Carolina but its definitely not the norm. I went to college with both Heather and Wendy and to reminisce about days gone by we decided to visit our alma mater Appalachian State University on Saturday. I have to insert this tidbit of information, unfortunately ASU is not my alma mater. The only things I learned in college were how to play spades, drink lots of cheap beer, roll a joint, and eat cheap food. Nonetheless, I still occasionally attended my classes at ASU hence it being one of the many colleges in NC I attended. One of the first things Heather said when we got to Boone was how she thought we 'all looked the same' and 'haven't gotten a day older.' Believe me, I like to think I am still young looking and do get a little giddy inside when I get carded for a beer (which by the way we did get carded for our pitcher at Macado's - woohoo!). Here are two things I learned from being in Boone this weekend with my girlfriends.

1. Its the most fabulous thing to have girlfriends. Its even better to know that no matter what happens or how much time passes we can always pick up where we left off.

2. I am getting older every day, hour, minute, and second. The first thing I did when I got home from Charlotte last night was search the web for the best wrinkle serum available and order it. Those girls at ASU were looking fierce. I have alot of work to do. Carpe diem!

Here is the other thing I just learned from Wikipedia.

1. There are actually 2 places that claim to have the largest ball of twine: Darwin, MN and Cawker, KS.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biggest_ball_of_twine

Found Porn and I Am Not Returning It

I quite enjoy Maxim's found porn. I was enjoying the North Carolina vs. Duke basketball game this evening and found porn. w00t! w00t! (I have been dying to use Merriam Webster's word of the year for 2007). Anyway, plastered huge all over the screen at the beginning of the game was 'spread and execute'. Now I am sure in basketball jargon this means something. Probably something to do with points and the odds of each team winning the game. I don't really care. What matters to me is the belly laugh I got after reading it. After that, my mind was in the gutter. Although in the gutter I must admit it was not hard to find some more porn. Some of the most common words in tonite's game were penetration and reacharound. So either I am just a dirty girl (which is not unfathomable) or.......OK I am just a dirty girl.

Strange Wilderness

So I heard this movie got bum ratings but you can't deny the hilarity of the shark trailer. I laugh 'til I cry every time I see and hear it. Enjoy! This 31 second video can only make your day better.

You Know Its Almost Springtime When

1. It is not dark at 5:30 when you leave work

2. It is 40 degrees in the morning and 70 in the afternoon

3. Reese's peanut butter eggs show up at the grocery stores

4. You have the urge to clean out your closet - i am referring to spring cleaning people, not cleaning out skeletons (which is good too but it sure seems like a winter activity)

5. You can use your sun roof and not freeze your arse off

6. There are buds on the trees

7. You have to urge to plant flowers

8. You want to sit on your back porch and take in some sun

9. There are bathing suits in Target

10. And last but not least....you walk out to your car on a fine Monday morning and find about 250 pieces of bird poop all over it and this is not an exagerration. And yes, I 'called the shit poop'. Then you proceed to have to drive 30 miles to work with all of that shit on your car and try and locate the closest drive thru car wash. When you finally find a car wash the credit card machine is broken and you have no cash. Then you head to work and spill half your coffee in your passenger seat because the cup is defective. I think I have a case of the Mondays!

Drive Thru Hell

I was out shopping about a month ago and was craving a McDonald's Dr. Pepper. The drink had to specifically come from McDonald's because they always mix their sugar and carbonation just right and a fountain drink is just heaven anyway. This is all I ordered. So, because I am a lazy American I waited in the drive thru. The wait was probably 5-8 minutes. After I got my drink and drove away I found I received a diet Coke instead which not acceptable because I had my mind set on a Dr. Pepper. So, I proceeded to wait in the drive thru again for a replacement (another 5 minutes). No joke, it was another diet Coke. As I returned to the drive thru again I was really mad but the whole situation was really just funny so I found myself laughing in anger. After another 5 minutes I finally get a Dr. Pepper. As I take a drink of my highly anticipated bubbly concoction of sugar water and fizz it proceeds to spill all over my shirt. It is not uncommon for me to spill stuff on my shirt, really its quite common. I happen to keep extra clothes in my car just for these type of occasions. But after the whole ordeal I was not needing a spilled drink on my shirt. I was VERY ill but nothing a little shopping could not cure so I went about my business.

Today I decided to eat lunch in and headed to Wendy's to pick it up. I am on a diet so this time so I had to go for the diet Coke. The Wendy's close by my work is known for their speed and accuracy of getting your order out to you. Really its kind of crazy how fast they are. I am thinking the manager at this branch has a deal with the devil. Anyway, I get my order lightning quick and have no doubt in my mind that everything is correct. Boy was I wrong!!! Instead of diet Coke I got a regular Coke. I LOVE regular Coke but its not in my dieting future so as I turned around to get back in the drive thru line and thought laughingly 'this better not be like last time'. Well it was without the 3rd time around in the drive thru. I now am wearing my diet Coke all over my shirt. Bad thing is, payday is tomorrow so there is no retail therapy in sight for today. Good news, I do have an extra shirt. Happy Thursday to me!

LMFAO..Rachel Can Mean So Many Things

Another fave site of mine is Urban Dictionary. www.urbandictionary.com I always get a word o the day but my friend told me I should look up my name. Here is what Rachel means. Beware of the content below. I did not make any of this up. Check it out yourself.

1. The most edible female name.
--Rachel is sooo edible - especially with cream! Wow, this is so true. LOL

2. Hebrew name meaning 'an ewe', or 'little lamb'. Symbolizes purity.
--boring

3. A smart, sassy and sexy young woman who knows things from fashion to film to literature, from Manolo Blahniks to Mahatma Gandhi.
--She impressed everybody in the meeting. She's such a Rachel. Wow, this is so true too!

4. Code reference to Marijuana, originating from the "Rachel Green" character on the popular American television series, "Friends" (NBC).
--Dude, are we gonna see Rachel later, or what? Never heard this one but agree its a good use of my name.

5. A pale white girl, that likes black dick
--"Look theres a Rachel sucking a dick" I don't know what to say but I am laughing really hard as I read this for the 10th time today.

Reboot or Die

For any of you that work in technology or heck have owned a computer or even worked in an office since the 90's are aware of 'techies'. My brother happens to be one and since I am in technology I am surrounded by them. I am reminded of the skit from SNL, "Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy"."MMMMMMMMMOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE!" I laugh on the inside every time I have a computer issue and I need assistance from our support guys because this is all I can think of. And how many times have you heard, "just reboot/restart your computer"? I am SO over that (although 9 times out of 10 it works). Your computer could be turning into Deceptacon from Transformers and if you were to call the help desk they would just tell you to go to the start menu and choose shut down/restart.

Damn Bourne Movies

This blog was created to allow myself to outpour my thoughts and feelings. More of a journal if you will. I think the content and my intent has changed over the past few months. I am glad to see there are people enjoying it for more than a journal (because I do happen to find myself to be pretty funny) so I hope this abnormal blog entry is not a buzz kill but its something I felt I needed to talk about.

I was in a horrible car accident in November of 2006. I flipped my SUV 3 times on I-40 going around 60 mph. It was a very scary thing. It was very life changing. By life changing it made me consider the existence of god and also to re-evaluate my relationships with friends and family. You never think at the age of 29 you would be considering writing a will or worrying about what type of life insurance you have. There are so many what ifs to consider. It makes you think about taking the lives of others without intent. I hit two other people and only caused damage to their cars which is a miracle in itself. There are things you wish you would have said and now have time to say. I was lucky. I walked away from that accident with a few cuts and bruises (as well as a very large monthly insurance payment and some very nice doctor bills). The other thing I came away with was a bad case of PTSD (posttraumatic stress syndrome). For over 6 months following my accident I would shake as I had to enter a car. I had nightmares about car accidents. I would not get on main interstates or highways to go anywhere. This made my 30 minute commute to work an hour and 30 minutes. The stress from this accident ruled my body. It made decisions for me and made my home a prison. I have worked very hard over the past year to ultimately deal with my PTSD and think I have done pretty well.

Here is why I am telling this whole story. I wanted to talk about my obsession with the Bourne movies. I love conspiracy theories, action movies, and Matt Damon very buff with tight T-shirts kicking some ass. The Bourne Ultimatum recently came out on DVD and I have been really excited to rent it. It was just as good as I expected it to be but near the end there is a extremely long and drawn out car chase (which by the way one of the best parts of the movie). Before I knew it I was in a full blown, put that bitch in a straightjacket, panic attack. I couldn't breathe, it was hot, my heart was racing, and it was really just awful. Just a classic case scenario. I could literally feel and hear my accident. I was reliving it all over again. My point is, it’s been over a year and this just hit me out of the blue. It makes me really mad in a sense because I thought I had it beat and felt all of my hard work had been put to shame. But it brought me back to down to earth a bit. Things happen for a reason and you always have to learn something from an experience. I think I just needed my ass kicked a little and The Bourne Ultimatum surely did that. Thanks Matt, I like a good spanking every once in a while (damn this was only in my dreams). Also, I think I just realized I may be dealing with this for the rest of my life and need to accept it.

I am Such a Water Snob

As mentioned before, I quit smoking almost 4 months ago (and I will mention again because I totally kick ass for quitting) and kicking that habit probably has saved me about 150 dollars a month. For about 6 months straight I also seemed to enjoy a 4 dollar venti sugar free vanilla breve latte from Starbucks daily. That monthly habit was costing me about 120 dollars. So, in essence, I was spending 300 dollars a month on legal drugs. When I quit smoking I also quit Starbucks because it was a trigger for me to go their every day and I didn't need to remind myself of drinking a super yummy latte and smoking a wonderfully tasty Marlboro light (as you can see I do still want to be a smoker). I haven't quit coffee I just go for the cheaper version at my local gas station and now only spend 30 dollars a month on coffee. But that is the problem. I stopped one habit for another. Now I am not only buying a XL cup of high octane gas station coffee but I have become a connoisseur of snobby water. Fiji has recently become a favorite of mine. But now I have also found Voss. Today I bought 1 coffee, 1 Voss and 1 Fiji and it was $6.26. Don't get me wrong I really prefer having a water habit but as I always say I have champagne taste on a beer budget. Lately my beer budget has been consisting of Pabst Blue Ribbon instead of Corona if you know what I mean. I don't foresee kicking this habit anytime soon. It will more than likely just be dictated by my bank account.

What I Like About Me

Here are 10 things I like and why. Just thought you needed to know. And if you didn't want to, that is just too bad.

1. I enjoy listening to the radio and hearing songs I have not heard in years. This may be a sign of getting old! For example, I just heard The Eels 'Novocaine for the Soul' and it gave me goosebumps.

2. I like sleeping in. My idea of sleeping in is probably different than yours. I don't want to be waken up by an alarm. So if I get to sleep 'til 7am and the alarm did not wake me up that is considered 'sleeping in'. I don't quite understand why I can wake up at 7am on Saturday morning without the alarm but tend to hit snooze on my alarm 'til 7:30 on the weekdays. Maybe its a sign I hate to work.

3. I like 'punking' out. This is when you make plans to do something and then cancel. Its also even better when you are planning on punking out and the person you are punking on was planning to do the same. I will not punk on important things and require my friends to tell me if the event is punkable or not. This keeps everyone happy.

4. I like that the writers are on strike because I get to watch alot of reality TV (I know this is a shitty statement because lots of people have lost their jobs so don't hate- at least I know its a shitty statement). Hello!!!! Big Brother 9 is slated to start in February. I am not having to wait til summertime.

5. I like wintertime for one reason only. I get to wear Ugg boots all the time. Ok, thought of one more reason. I like snow too.

6. I like reading Playboy. I do enjoy the pictures too. Not going to lie. Those women are just incredibly beautiful. Bitches!

7. I like going to the salon and getting my hair cut and dyed. Don't know why. Guess its just an indulgence.

8. I like to read celebrity gossip. Its a sickness. I am constantly checking www.perezhilton.com and reading US Weekly.

9. I like chapstick, particularly Burts Bees.

10. I like to make lists. No explanation necessary.

Duct Tape Skirt

OK, so I didn't make the duct tape skirt for New Year's. Here is a pic of 2 hot bitches instead. I am so glad its 2008. I hate being in odd years.

Phase 1.5

I have a pretty decent camera and on occasion have been put in charge of taking pictures. Honest, I don't mind. What pisses me off about the whole thing is having to upload the pictures to my laptop and subsequently emailing them out. Just today I was discussing with my mom how I had not sent her the pictures from Thanksgiving. Funny enough I also discussed with my friend Renee how I had some great pictures of us from her kick ass New Year's Eve party. I explained to her how I was on phase 1.5 of sharing the photos. Phase 1.5 being actually transferring the pictures from my camera to my laptop (phase 1 was taking my lazy ass to my car to get the camera out - it had been in there since New Year's). Phase 2 is uploading the pictures to Kodak Gallery and phase 3 is emailing them out to the appropriate parties (lets not forget phase 2.5 is gathering emails). I attempted to upload the New Year's pictures to my Kodak Gallery and after the 4th picture was uploaded the site/software decided to have an unknown error. WTF! I started this project of uploading at 6:30 and the 'unknown failure' happened at 6:52. Really, shouldn't it be alot easier and less time consuming to upload pictures to a website (and for you techies reading this it is not user error)? So after tonite I will be in phase 1.5 for a while. Sorry to those of you that are expecting pictures.